Somedays I should wear a helmet at all times.

Even more days I should walk out the door wearing a helmet, carrying a bottle of rum.

Don't you judge me.

Oh Hell To The No

**Gasp**

The nerve of some people

I don't think this is a good sign

Today was a shot in the arm. Actually two shots in each arm. Booooo Heath Department Boooo.
I sat in 3 waiting areas today, Heath Department, Student Heath Center, and then had to go BACK to the Health Department because they forgot to give me one of my shots. Son of a

This after I spent the majority of my day touring the hospitals for my Friday rotations. I learned that if a nurse isn't available.... we are responsible for giving patients enemas.

Mark my words I Will ALWAYS Find A Nurse!

The 'Got protection?' free condom bin at the Student Department was the only thing that made me crack a smile today. Short lived when I saw some of the guys that were taking them.
The nurse at the Health Department needs glasses. Just look at how far off the bandaid is from the bleeding needle mark. Oh well, 2 out of 3 isn't so bad I guess. By the end of it, I was so bummed out that I headed into El Bistro for some comfort food. Ummmm lasagna and tarimasu. I made the waiter feel uncomfortable because my eyes kept welling up the whole time.

And this is only week 1.

It has begun

Well I have one quiz under my belt in medical terminology. Don't you worry, this department is not going to keep me from blogging. I'll kill some time for you, and maybe once and a while give you a funny story.

Medical term:
Hiratsuism= Excessive Hair

Tiffany was quick to point out that no one really cares about that one....unless your the intern that has to shave him.

Then you will never forget and have hairy nightmares for a week.

I borrowed my dogs Eyore toy to take to Patient Care class today. Everyone understood the dried up dog slobber.....I hope. It was kind of like their reaction when I showed up at the picnic....see it was supposed to be the student and your 'support team'.....so everyone had brought husbands and wives, family, boyfriends...

I brought my dog. Had I known Eyores important roll today, I would have had him tag along too. Next time Eyore, all the fruit jello you can eat.

Next Stop:

Apparently the grown up train is picking up the remainder of my friends. Molly, Jed, Nick. Like they were being given away at the peach stand. Even when I was on the phone with Neighbor Kid, he was running errands with his girlfriend.

Eh tu Brute?

I think I fell off the caboose again. Hanging on by my fingertips just wasn't making it now that I need two hands for flashcards.

Ah yes school. I made it through the first day without hyper-ventilating into a paper bag.

I spent tonight mass producing a stack of medical terminology flashcards. Stay tuned. Soon I will be able to say 'bleeding ulcer' in Greek.

Wish me luck

Ok folks. Here we go. Deep breath.

Whats up famous Ross! FINALLY someone I know makes it into the paper without being in Cops and Courts. A little saddened by the fact that he didn't sport the mullet for the photo shoot, but the wheelie helps.

Can I just get some sleep please?

School is starting on Monday, the ulcer is bleeding, and all at once everyone needs something. Even my body. With all the phone calls and emails and appointments and faxes I get a screaming urgent message from my hip 'HEEYYY, lets not forget about MEEE!' Ugh.

I'll have you cut out one day you know.

So three cheers for me for not putting things off that I don't want to deal with. Well, I can't say that I'm completely done with all of them, but at least the list is getting shorter.

My lawyer needs this stuff. Stuff that when I moved I shoved into boxes and kept in the closet as not to let it linger around as a reminder of what was. The x-rays, the MRI films, the Dr's reports that are so brutally honest. Keep it seperate Amanda, don't let the sadness move with you (said the indian psychiatrist).

'Yes, I understand that this is they way it is now, but can't you at least give it a song or dance to help me not cry in your office please?

So by request only, I go through it, find records, read what is written. Look at films. Take it out. Introduce it to the new place.

Hello ulcer, didn't think I was going to have you bubbling this late at night, but truthfully I'm not really surprised.

Dr.'s reports are interesting to read as long as it's not you that your reading about. Especially the psychiatric ones. They poke and prod and measure and 'tell me about the relationship with your mother'. Hard for them to believe that anyone had a happy childhood I guess. His job must suck. Some of these questions. Good grief Charlie Brown. And then I get to the part about him and us and then. Oh yea, I did say that didn't I. Stomach cramping and soon enough I really don't feel good. Now I remember some of the many reasons I kept these things in the closet. And the pictures too. Appropriately enough I go to stand and get some air outside and my hip is stiff from sitting in the hall. It takes me a second to be able to step over the boxes that I have lined up in the hallway to find the stuff. It takes about 4 good limps before everything pops into place and I have a moderately normal gate.

I will cut you out one day you know.

Then I pass the clock and its 11. I'm done for the night. Unfortunately my brain is not. Just when I think I have it under control and I'm drifting of to la la land my phone rings.

Damn it. So close to sleep. I look at the clock, it's 1. I answer the phone.

"Someone better be in jail"

Amanda?

"Yes."

Hey it's (insert girl name here) from work. Did I wake you?

"Barely."

Oh. Well I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my house and have a beer.

(puzzled look has now crossed my face, I look over again and confirm the the clock really does say 1am. Oh sweet jesus. I realize....my mistrust of men is so obvious that I am getting a 1 am call from a lesbian at work. Do people think that I have decided to play for the other team? ((not that there is anything wrong with the other team))Holy shit.

"No thanks. I'm in bed. Maybe another time."

Really?

"Shit. No. Not like that. It's one of those things that you say to be polite. Not another time. No other time. No time. Noooo no no no no."

I hang up. That's perfect isn't it?

(still shaking her head in disbelief)

I'll cut ya, I'll cut ya

The po po was at my house very early this morning. Thanks to my barometer of a hip, I was up at 3 this morning, tossing and turning, when I heard a wham wham WHAM come from downstairs. Now, in case you don't know, I live above an office downtown, so there shouldn't be any wham wham at 3 am period. I get up, grab a knife (a paring knife no less), my phone, and my camera. In retrospect, I should have grabbed a butchers knife, but I remind you that it was 3am and... I have no sense.

In my mind I was going to cut him (apparently into a nice radish rose style that I learned on Martha Stewart with my special paring knife) and then take a picture (not only of his radish cut liver, but I was positive that he would have a mullet. Trust me Amy, child mullet or not, if I get a picture of my mullet house burglar being hauled away by the cops, I automatically win the contest.) So I call 911 and ask if they will send by a cruiser to check. 20 minutes later there is a knock on the door. I confirm thru my peep hole that it is an officer and open the door. Hello Mr. Officer (wow, good looking cop, I'm wishing now I wasn't in my muppet hair holding a pairing knife.) Teva proceeds to grab a tennis ball and run out the door.
'What the hell kind of guard dog are you? Get back in here.'
With the tennis ball in her mouth she still trying to bark/talk and all you can hear is
murrr rruurrr Ruhh ruhhh Mrrrrrr as she prances back into the house.
(shakes her head in disbelief)
'You are a ferocious beast' he says to her (note to self. Stop feeding dog, needs to become a killing machine)
Officer Yummy is laughing at me.
'Everything ok then?' I ask, feeling like a crazy lady.
"Oh, yea, I checked the perimeter and everything is locked up and safe. I'm betting you just heard something fall. But call us if you hear anything else."
(he takes some general information from me, all the while I feel like an idiot calling the cops at 3. Meanwhile my dog is doing small circles in the living room still talking through the tennis ball. I look over to see where I set down the knife during questioning next to my camera and phone. Note to self: Stop eating, need to become a killing machine)

I close the door and lock it. Laugh at the dog, and think to myself, that was a wonderful experience, I should call the cops at 3 am more often.'

**Turns out that the wham wham wham was the fire extinguisher falling off the wall, hitting the counter, and then bouncing on the floor. **

Don't toy with me I know people

It's just a regular ole week in Amandaland.
"This is Your last week of freedom Amanda."

Ouch. My ulcer is bleeding.

Somehow my tomorrow has become today and the little rabbit is running around the apartment telling me I'm late.

My neighbor left a note on my VW bus:

Don't park in our lot during the day.

She's right, there is plenty of room on the street. Especially in front of her house in front of her FOR RENT sign. (whaaaat? It was the only 2 spots left on the street. I would almost swear to it)

At last nights coaches meeting for the Girls on the Run, I am please to announce that there was not a mullet in sight. My assistant coach is a parole officer. (I bet shes HAD a mullet) I guess she tackled someone last year at the track last season. Turned out to be a parent of one of the girls that thought it would be funny to jump out from under the bleachers and scare his daughter. Word it she broke his nose. I'm afraid of her. I hope she doesn't drop kick me for not knowing how to use the timer.....Seriously, how the hell do you use this thing?

New Game

Mullets boys and girls. Were talking about mullets.

Tiffany made a BOLD statement on her blog. 'Farmville has more mullets then anywhere else in the world.' (Don't quote me on the exact statement, but it was something along those lines)

How dare she. Grand Junction has the most mullets.

So it's on. A mullet off.

Thats right.

Picture of a mullet: 100 points
Picture of a mullet with you IN the picture: 1000 points
Picture of a mullet with you IN the picture and your PETTING the mullet: 2000 bonus points
**bonus points given for telling the story on what you said to get the mullet picture with you in it TBA**
Thats right, I don't play around with points. Were going and we're going big.

Wanna play along?

There is no prize. And no glory in winning. After all, the winner does live in the town with the most mullets so......

Game on.

Crazy is as crazy does Forrest

I cling to you in time of need.
And then shove you into a dark place when I've found my breath again.
I love you.
But you embarrass me.
Coming out with me in public like that.

In the BOOKSTORE no less.
But I needed you, and you were there.
I can always depend on you Mr. Brown Paper bag.

Sitting on the floor of the student bookstore breathing into a paper bag that I carry in my purse could be worse. I can't actually think at this moment how it could be worse, but I'm sure it could be. Ya know if you could walk in these strappy red sandals you'd be breathing into a paper bag too.

Book for the semester: $836.00
Scrubs and shoes: $148.00
Pencils, pens, paper, and an insane number of notecards: $23.00
gingko Biloba (in hope of retaining what I study): $12.99
Brown paper bag to breath into: Priceless

You know what else is priceless? Coming home to find a package in the mail from the Stevenson family. Your right girl, this could be one of the many songs of Amandaland..

Add pro figure skater to the list

I'm thinking of going pro.

If your first thought was....
This is the doing of the youngin.

You would be completely correct.

I was really hesitant trying ice skating for the first time. But then I figured....ya know if the hip or knee gets bad, I can just lay down.

What are you doing?

Oh I'm just icing my hip. Little sore. I'll catch you on the next lap.

At first I was thinking pro figure skater, but after body checking that little kid onto the backboard because I didn't know how to stop, maybe hockey player is more my style.

Breathing in a paper bag

Soon enough I won't be able to breath, let alone take a trip. So I've decided to pack them all in now. In fact I'm going to take 3 days off before school starts for a bus trip if you want to go. It will be next week....maybe you should buy your plane ticket now. We can talk about that later if you want, but most everyone is invited.....

As for yesterdays adventure, Liz and I took a ride up over the monument to the Potholes. People actually jump off these rocks into the water. Don't believe me? Take a look at this crazy bastard.

We didn't know those guys, but I'm betting low brain cell count and high alcohol levels.

The ride up was awesome. I got to work a bit on Beck yesterday (and by work I mean I put oil in the bus....). That boy runs like a champ all juiced up on testosterone.

Teva, as always, is on 24/7 kill squirrel mode.

We made it out alive, and since that was then end of MY weekend, it's back to breathing into paper bags for me.

I won't go into any great detail....but does anyone have any ideas on how I can FAIL for financial aid?

Pass the Tums

Two weeks and counting boys and girls. Two weeks.

My schedule was set in stone today and printed on my forehead for the radiologic science program. I found I have JUST ENOUGH time to squeeze in a coaching bit with the girls two days a week. A different group this time, older girls, and we'll be in the stadium, track running. Well, they'll be track running. I'll be in my polyester jump suit blowing a whistle. In case you were wondering, I do it for the jump suit. Ok ok, and the whistle. Don't you worry about the ghetto thugs though, they only get coaches in the spring, Heather and I promised them that we would come back then. After all, who else is going to teach us the new slang and keep me in check on how really un-cool I am?

Pimp?

Pimp. That's what all the kids say now coach. 'That's pimp'. No one says 'Sweet' anymore. That went out way before 'That's Hot' did. Don't worry, lots of people your age aren't cool anymore.

Your kidding me. Is it the jumpsuit?


Now as far as school goes, I'm nervous as hell. Which is not so pimp. I'm still a bit confused about how I landed a 1 in 18 spot... In fact I wont be a bit surprised if when I get on campus the new dorms are named after my parents. It really is the only logical explanation.
Book buying comes next week, and my sweet sweet all white scrubs outfit should be shipped in the mail to me this week. Now that boys and girls will be pimp.

Fight or flight?

Well the apartment has emptied out, and with the exception of the occasional sneeze from cat dander, they left no trace that they were here. My sister is a blast. Case closed. If you don't have one, I recommend running out right now and getting one for yourself.

In a boo hooo hooo my sister is gone tantrum, Liz called and drug me out for a 2 hour tour. Now NORMALLY I would tell you where we went. But selfishly I'm not going to. Why you ask? Because I want it all to myself. Bruuhha ha ha. The secret stash. Ok ok, that is selfish of me. How about this...If you show up here, I'll take you. Blindfolded in the bus.

There was a bit of the trail that was overgrown. It would have helped if I had packed the machete to bush wack our way through, but like a dope I forgot. About 3 steps in you could hear the hum of the bees. I turn and ran back out. 'Liz. There are bees. How far to the mines?'
'20 minutes'
'Ok. I'm going in' (I put on everything I can to cover up biteable skin and take a deep breath.)
'Liz, don't run. Be one with the bees. The zen of bee.'

(oh yes, so wise for such young grasshoppers)

The bonus was at the other side was this......


Score.

Then the trail turned white from the quartz. Really it did.

We were getting close.

Everything turned white and pink and it was HUGE. To get an idea, Look at the picture below and find the dog. Found her? Ok. Now I was only half way up.


Then it happened.
There was a noise.
And some russeling.
And as we looked down below us, you could see something moving through the thick brush across the cravos from us. Something big. I think it was a puma.
My first thought is....This bum hip is going to get me eaten by a mountain lion. Everyone knows that in the wild they attack the weakest link. I thought about pushing Liz over the side and running. I'm just kidding Liz. (I am totally not kidding everybody.) So we didn't stick around to see what it was.

It was nerve racking. I won't lie. I felt better once I realized how calm my dog had gotten later heading back. I swear. That dog will find water in a desert. The only water on the entire hike, in a rock crack no less, and she squeezed herself into it and layed down.
The rest of the hike I was taking pictures like a Chinaman at Disneyland.

Then there was the snake.....I mean python. Of course I had just made the comment earlier that I hadn't seen a snake since I was a kid, then I have to go and step on one. Well, not on it, but damn close enough that the snake and I made eye contact and both screamed. The running came instinctually. I look over to my right and Liz is shoulder to shoulder with me arms pumping, dust flying behind us 'I heard you scream, and saw you take off..... Why are we running?'

'Snake' (I barely get out from the lack of air in my lungs.) And right then and there she passed me, into mock speed no less.

I should have pushed her off the cliff when I had the chance.

The joys of Sisterhood

Tiffany being here means many things.

Laughter every 10-20 minutes....
Sushi......
Peaches.....
Funny presents....
Loss of walking floor space in my apartment......
Pancakes bigger then your head.....
A dog with an eating disorder....

Just to name a few.

I got back to the apartment this morning at 6:30am (remember I'm still house and dog sitting for someone else). It looks like a bomb has gone off in the living room and into the kitchen. That's ok. I'm focused on coffee.
'Amanda, Take Pooh King outside pleeeeaaze'
I'm walking down the hall and hear 'Go with auntie' coming from under the sheets. Just before the door I look down to see that the dog threw up.
'Tiff your dog threw up in the hall.' (actually not really that surprising, he threw up yesterday too. 1 in 6 family members have an eating disorder, and Pooh King is ours. Tiffany says it's because he's nervous. I say her making excuses for him only makes the problem worse.)

Flash forward an hour later as I'm coming down the hall again and step in dried dog throw up.
'Tiff!' The dog throw up!'

She looks at me from around the corner. 'Oh please your acting like it's the worst thing you've ever stepped in. There are like 15 thousand worse things that you have already stepped in your lifetime.'

'15 thousand? Please. Where do you think I hang out at?'

Princess is here

My apartment is a sweet 58 degrees. Tiffany tried to turn the AC off and I slide tackled her. (I may be small, but I am freakishly strong for my size) It's now agreed that if you are cold, you go and put on a sweater. Case Closed.

We went out last night and ate, and drank, and drank some more. It was fun. My liver hurts. We co-wrote the toast for Ryan (our brother) and Erins wedding. Oh yes. On a napkin. In the bar. And don't tell me we can't make a toast mom, because we are. I'll bring my own microphone if I have to. (check check. Is this thing on?) It is both witty and 'shoot beer out your nose' funny.
We're getting strippers too, one is for Ryan, one for Erin.

No hints here on the speech. You'll have to wait for the video release in October.

One of my favorite memories with my sister caught on tape.
We crashed a high school basketball game in Burlington Colorado and rigged the cake drawing. (you might have to scroll down to see the Let me Eat Cake post)

We'll do most anything for good cake.
And I'll do anything for pie.
They called Tiffanys name when she won (I was SHOCKED!)

and I had the video camera in my hand.

The man next to me looked over after I put the camera down and said....
'You two arent from here are you?'
'God no, are you kidding me?'

Countdown till the princess arrives........


supersta

3 hours

A bunch on nonsense

Stanley.

All up in my grill.

Yesterday was just a filler day in Amandaland. Nothing really exciting. The usual. Ran some errands, tried to force my ribs into recovery, looked like a crazy person in public. Ya know, a normal day.

Have you ever gone into Borders and tried to find a book that you don't know the name or author of? That was me, *note here that I am in the children's section.*

A long long time ago in a land far far away, I was a nanny for two terrible twin boys. (They were bad but I loved them none the less) They had this book that they LOVED and despite their developmental problems with speech, this alphabet book would be tossed in my lap about thirty times a day for me to read to them. Flash back now to Borders as I'm looking for this book that I don't know the name of, but can recite from cover to cover. I think it will be perfect to send one to Grace and one to Lachlan. So I walk up to a group of young college age kids that work there....

'Hi, Im looking for this alphabet book, I don't know the name of it.....'

(blank stares)

'It goes (looking back this is where I began to look like the public lunatic) A told B and B told C, I'll meet you at the top of the coconut tree. Weeeee!' I stop. My voice changed to the high pitch kid sliding down the slide when I said WEEEEEE! I've become sing-songy....My hands are up in the air. I put them down. I'm getting nothing now but wide eyed blank stares. Security must be on the way.

In a very quiet shaky voice it just keeps coming out......'Chica chica boom boom will there be enough room?' Im now questioning my own sanity.

I can tell NOW the three are doing everything in their power not to laugh at me. Silently judging me

'I know that book.' (voice from behind me) I spin around. Thank god. Validation. 'It's a favorite at the library.' As I walk away to find the book with my new librarian friend I hear the blank stare/3 face piercing/tattoo on her neck/Borders worker say....'Wow. Wasn't expecting that!'