House Arrest

There should be days in my life where a little midget runs in my house and yells:

Your too fragile! Don't go outside! Your bound to crack!

Of course I would reply.....Oh you don't know me, silly midget. I'm fine.

Then the next thing you know, you have a formal dress stuck over your head and your crying in a dressing room begging for help.

True story.

For some reason today, I got it in my head that I needed to find a more formal dress for my brothers wedding. (despite what he told me on the phone) Everything was on sale from last week being high school homecoming, so I bought a dress. A dress that needed a new bra, which landed me at the mall in the Victoria Secret dressing room. Pretty pleased with myself since I've made it to a B cup, I took into the dressing room 3 strapless bras and my dress. The first bra, although it seems harmless, is a device made by Satan. You can't see it, but there is about 40 little eyelet hooks down the back of it, and I'm sure is every teenage boys worst nightmare. I couldn't get it on. I was literally spinning around in the dressing room cursing. About a dozen

"Sweet Jesus" 's later......

the attendant asked me if I was ok. I aimed where the voice was coming from and launched that baby over the dressing room door.

"Get this thing the hell away from me!"

I had now been in the dressing room for 20 minutes and had yet to get anything on.

Bra #2, although easier to get on... Pushed up, and in, and apparently had growth hormone in it. I looked down.

"HOly shit where have the two of you been the last 28 years?'

Sweet! I pull on the dress. It's long and flowy and has two layers of fabric in it, I soon found myself lost in a dress. I eye myself in the mirror. Not bad. I lean over to slide the dress over my head and a layer or two is caught over my new found bosom. Crap. Wiggling is not helping. At first I was thinking...I have to be careful not to rip this dress.....Then the thought morphed to.....I am going to chew off my arm to get this dress off.

Still bent over like the letter 'n', with layers of fabric placing me in the black hole, I'm wiggling like a crack head when I spin and hit the wall.

'Oh son of a bitch!!'

Arms now firmly locked above my head I stand up looking like Steve Martin in a scene from The Jerk yelling Oklahoma Oklahoma!

And I start to panic. And in my frustration, start to cry.

You know where this is going now right? Straight to the girl I threw the bra at earlier.

'somebody please come help me'

I could give you more detail, but you don't need it. I'm safe at home now and will not be returning to the Victoria Secret anytime soon.

Have a laugh on me

So I was headed out to class yesterday, and decided to do a little switch a roo from the road bike to the mountain bike. Ya know, that way they don't think that I'm picking favorites. So I'm peddling out from the parking lot and I sit up on my bike to adjust my backpack (it's not zipped all the way). With my hands above my head looking for the zipper, my brain decides....'Hey kid, since you have the shocked ride this morning, lets do a little off roading.' The brain has forgotten my arms are above my head.

So I wiggle and bump and oh no, I leap (landing on my feet thanks to my inner goat), but the bike does the Tokyo kick slide without me and rocks go flying. So does my bike messenger backpack that still isn't zipped. In about the .007 seconds that this took place, I glance over to see the 2 construction guys working on the foundation next door, and then a fluttering of medical terminology notecards scatter through the air. One guy is headed over.
'Wow, that was impressive'
Oh god. I look down at the notecards. We are going over the reproductive system. There are notecards scattered over the front lawn with words and descriptions of uterine lining and penises, and vagina just got caught in the breeze and is blowing around towards the bushes.
'No , no don't help me, don't look at the cards! Don't read the cards! I'm ok, I got it. DON"T READ THE CARDS!' I look over and see the card for infection in male cateterization.
I grab most and run after vagina and it's Latin meaning. Noooo!

Dear god. I hope you are getting a good laugh at this. Because certainly, I provide all of the entertainment for the neighborhood.

Good Night Nurse

Ok, it's a little past 5 and I think I'm sober enough now to type a half way understandable sentence.

Or maybe not.

So yesterday my BFF from Winter Park (Keva) stopped off on her way to NM. I was at work, and @10 she got to the brewery. I was franticly running around begging other servers to cover my morning shift so that she and I could catch up. Much begging and bribing landed me today offf, and in return I promised to pick up the bar tab of the guy covering my shift. He took that as a personal challenge. Lets call him 'Can't handle liquor'.

A few beers, into it, I was waiting for Keva, listening to the band when I looked over to see my stalkee (WHAT!!) with what can only be his girlfriend on his lap. Couldn't be a sister. Trust me, I tried to justify it on every angle.

Booooooo says the drunk girl at the bar.

Then Keva walked in, and all was forgotten. With the help of a shot or two.

(WHAT? You? The girl who 'there is no reason to take shots' took shots??!!?)

Yup.

Then I got a shot spit on me. An Italian Stallion to be exact. Yea, I know how that just sounded. 'Can't hold his liquor' was barely standing when he demanded another shot to be served. As he was swaying back and forth he started toasting 'To Cool Chicks'. Then leaned close to me as he put the shot to his lips.
'I got to tell ya girl..Sometimes..(he whispers into the shot glass)....Sometimes I think about you.'
Keva belts out a laugh. I toss my 'what the....' look in horror, bc of course my mind went where your mind went, and that look of shock was apparently so funny that the shot went mock speed out his pinched lips and all over the side of my face.

'Can't hold his liquor' was carried out of the bar about 15 minutes later. And me, well my skin still feels a little sticky.

Good Night Nurse. That girl is funny.

Red Boots

I picked up my tickets today. Still not knowing 100% what I was getting myself into, I checked Channel 5's Community events, and saw that the Pirate Fair is next weekend. Agrh! That would be fun.....
So Amy3 and I went to buy scrub accessories today and ran buy to studio to pick up the tickets. I was excited. I was surprised when we pulled up to the ...um studio, which if I had my camera you could see that it looked like my grandma's old house in Florida with a big tower in the front yard. I walked in to find this little lady sitting at a desk answering the phone. She ushered me to the basement where the 'magic happens'. I had the biggest grin on my face. Could I see Garth? Does everyone record in the basement??


About two minutes later and an introduction to 'The Team' I got my tickets. I'll be headed to the Rocky Mountain Horse Expo next weekend. The news anchor passed me... 'Congratulations on the tickets! You'll need some boots wear to the show.'
I laugh
'Don't you worry about me, there are some red boots that have been waiting for this day'

Some funny stuff

When I woke up this morning I promised myself that I was not going to have another day with my tail tucked between my legs. I was the whipping boy last week in lab, and then the lecture class bomb drop test... I'd be damned if it was going to happen again.. I can't say I understand physics any better, but whipping boy no more.

4 hours later, I get home to find my sweet dog watching the channel 5 news at noon. Dropping off books and putting on a sweater I reached for my keys just as the anchor said:

Call now and win 4 tickets. 242-5000.

I have no idea why I called, but my phone was against my ear and the next thing I know I was on air.

Guys, let me stress here....I have NO IDEA what I won tickets to. NO IDEA!!
You can't really ask when your on live TV either, especially when you didn't watch a second of the broadcast. I hung up the phone and looked at the dog. 'You want to tell me what that s all about?'

She wagged her tail.

'Thats your answer for everything!'

I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I pick up the tickets.

I'm sorry if I yelled at you

Ok, so I'm not having the best day.
I woke up tired (how in the hell is that possible?)

The heat in the bikram yoga class is broken, so instead of sweating it all out early this morning, I regretted getting up that early to feel like a lizard.

My stellar grades took a sharp turn south on today's physics test. I swear on the written exam section it yelled out 'say my name biach'.

I got home to find two letters in the mail, one from my lawyer and one from Nikon. The lawyer sent a stack of papers I don't understand the meaning of, and Nikon sent me a $102 bill to fix my camera.

Seems someone didn't buy my warranty story.

I take a deep breath and struggle with myself to grab for my medical terminology book and not the bottle of Captain. I convince myself it's too early in the semester to be drinking bc of a grade. I kept reaching for the book, and looking, and digging, and come up empty handed. Seems on Monday when the The Big Guy in class forgot his book, I gave him mine to study from, and we both forgot to give it back. I don't remember any of this, but as I called around to the houses I've been at for study groups recently, someone else remembered for me. Unfortunately The Big Guy lives and hour away and was out to dinner with his wife and daughter when I called him with the discovery.

The receptionist downstairs called out to me when I was crossing the front lawn. 'Amanda, Dentist Guy is being a real Dick today and wants you to move your Jeep to a side street.' I look up to see the dentist in the window. The window that was wide open, about 3 feet away. She called him a dick again twice before I could motion towards the window.

It maes me smile to know the universe dealt it out to a couple of us today.

I hijacked this blog...

So, Amanda's way too busy to blog anymore, so I've hijacked her site to keep you all posted. (pssst... it's me, Tiffany, the wacky-but-loveable-sister!)

So far, the Little Min is rocking out in school. She wouldn't brag, but she's kicked ass on all the big tests. Like, we're talking bleeeppp is the lowest grade she's gotten on one of the big ones. An honorary high-kick should be done by all. I mean it, everybody'd better be doing a high kick right about now. If you don't know how, go here and review...

Hmmmm, now let's have some fun with this blog. Time for funny Amanda stories from childhood and beyond...

1) When Amanda was a toddler, she took off all her clothes and danced naked on a table because the neighborhood kids weren't paying attention to her. She may have done this again a few months ago after one of her nights out with Liz. The police won't release the official report.

2) When Amanda was 3 or 4, Ryan and I convinced her that if she ran fast enough around the easter egg tree (the little dogwood tree we hung plastic easer eggs from in honor of the season) that easter would come faster and she could have her candy. Sucker.

3) Once upon a time, when Amanda was in college, there was an uncomfortable time period while the police tried to identify the skinny-dippers that broke into the college pool. Some will argue (ahem, Amy) that it wasn't breaking, just entering, since the door wasn't locked. Once again, the police wouldn't release the security camera videotape.

4) Amanda warms her clothes up in the microwave when she's cold. Panties included. Eeewwww.

5) Amanda is the reason I ever took a car joy-riding. (Sorry Mom and Dad.) That child was so freakin' persistent about getting a Cadbury's egg when she was 13 that I took the car into Ashville so she could get one at the Apothecary. Do NOT stand between that buck-ten body and a Cadbury egg unless you want to die.

6) When she wakes up, she really does have muppet hair. So do I.

7) We really did write the toast for Ryan's wedding reception on a napkin. She has it tucked into the pocket of a purse. I hope she remembers to bring the purse.

8) She lived in the trailer park with me for a few weeks. Every day when I got back from work, I would get the po-po report of where the cops had been and who was throwin whose clothes out on the lawn.

9) We ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant that was in the Shell gas station, then watched a Christmas parade with 7 santas in it. No wonder kids are screwed up.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. But don't be surprised if I bust up in this joint from time to time. You know, to keep you posted, or tell an embarassing story or two. Or more.

Looking like a drowned rat

Yesterday afternoon as I was walking out of class I came through the glass doors to be greeted by a downpour of rain. Fast, furious and very cold rain. Having ridden Flo Jo (the fastest baby blue bike a white woman with a black womans soul can ride) I knew I had to release the inner Lance and book it home. As I was tearing through the quad I saw my stalkee leaving the library. I check my watch and note the time. No time to follow, cold cold rain makes hip very angry. I did however give him some credit back from missing class this week. At least he was at the library right?
Then I pull through the parking lot and am quick to find that I have little to no brakes. The ride was just raised to a higher level on the Xbox. I do the Tokyo Kick Slide around the corner to the stop light and look up under my hoodie to see a bike I recognize. Wait a second. That's not my stalkee. There is no way in the 3 seconds that I saw him at the library that he has unlocked his bike and beat me to the light....this is someone totally different. Then something other then the torrential downpour hits me. I've been stalking two completely different men. I guess I'll retract my previous statement about being really good at this.

whoops

By the time I got to the house my Marmot rain jacket had kept my back and chest dry, but every other inch of my body was soaked. I was resembeling a wet shaking puppy at the pound. The dog was having a thunderstorm panic attack, and I was still laughing about my poor stalking abilities as I crawled into a pair of old sweat pants.

I spent the rest of the night looking over radiographic positioning, and trying to convince Sativa that she did not have to sit on my lap to protect me from the storm.

I guess I'll concentrate on my studies and leave the stalking to Dog the Bounty Hunter

Ouch. My head is killing me. I'm even trying to type quietly as to keep the pounding in my head to a minimum. It's not working. I'm suffering for your entertainment you know.

So lean close and I'll tell you a secret.

I've decided that since I would have an easier go at teaching a fish to ride a bicycle then I would of maintaining a health dating relationship......

I've taken up stalking.

I'm quite good at it..


Except my stalkee missed class this morning, which is really unacceptable in my book as far as his commitment level goes.

I like how I can sabotage a relationship without even having one.

Are my eyes bleeding?

Look at me. Look AT ME!!!! Are my eyes bleeding?

I'm sorry. Ok, I'm really sorry. I know I said it wouldn't stop me from blogging, but I could have been wrong. Plus with the camera shipped off to somewhere in India, who knows when I'll be back to my normal self. Well, I'm not saying I was normal in the first place, but you know what I mean.

Whats happened......

The bus is back and shifting like a dream. I was grossly over charged and cried in a mechanics office because he made me so mad. He said 'your not going to cry about it are you?' Which of course set off the water works like flipping a switch. How was he to know that there was so much pain and anxiety built up waiting to be unleashed? He looked at me like he would have rather been in the pits of hell, and STILL slapped me around with a bill. Bastard. On the positive spin I got a shitton of airline miles out of it. .

So I bought my ticket for the wedding in Pittsburgh. Lets hope I don't have to sit by this screaming kid on the plane.

Now, I know I'm lame, and my blogging is suffering, but I have 2 exams tomorrow, so on that note I have to go study more.

Lamest blog entry ever.

Draft

***First draft of Nikon letter explaining why I don't have my receipt, but should be considered for warranty on digital camera.***

Dear Nikon employee opening this box,

Enclosed you will find my Nikon digital camera. It was purchased by my family for my birthday on Jan.3 this year, and should therefore still be covered under the 1 year warranty. I called my mother to ask about the receipt and she told me it would be in the box..... then talked to me about my brothers upcoming wedding for 30 minutes. I did not find the receipt in the box, but my birthday card still is, so I am including it as evidence that I'm not making this up. (exhibit A) Please don't ask me to call her again to have her look somewhere else. In fact, here is her number ***-***-****. Feel free to call, she will not lie to you about the purchase date, and could possibly tell you about the wedding. Yes, we are all excited. Mom especially. It's the first wedding for her kids. I'd like to bring my digital camera.

I'm not sure why the camera stopped working. It just did. It says 'System Error 10', which according to Nikon phone support means, 'Mail back to Nikon'. Maybe next years model you could just put that as the prompt on the camera and save some cell phone minutes for us all.

I use my camera on a daily basis for my blog that helps my family keep track of me. Without the camera, my stories aren't as funny. In fact here it is: livinginamandaland.blogspot.com , you can look under the January archives and see when I got it. (exhibit b). You can also see first hand how much I use my camera. Please fix it and mail it back to me as soon as you can. My family will worry, and I need to have pictures of mullets for a contest.

Thanks,
Amanda

PS. I noticed your office is in El Segundo.....Didn't someone leave a wallet there once?

Everything comes in three's for me, so when the bus wouldn't go in reverse, and the mountain bike hit the shop, I knew it was only a matter of time before I hit the trifecta. Hence why I was watching the dog so close. Luckily for me it was just the camera. That's right boys and girls, the little guy kicked it, and tomorrow morning will be shipped back to Nikon, still under warranty. Thank god something in this trio is free. This can only mean one thing. The shit will hit the fan this week and I won't have any documentation to prove....say.....a mullet smoking Kools in a stolen trans am.

Oh well. I'll just start pulling from the archives show you funny pictures. Maybe.....one of me drunk downtown making out with the frog statue? Ah, sadly I was sober.

With the busted bus, my long weekend has me camping out at home. I figured although I am quite good at driving around town without reverse (try it one day, it can be fun), It might be a bad idea to venture out and risk getting blocked in on a down hill in Telluride.

I did get to hop over to Fruita yesterday to see Jon and Beth Fisk-Tarkington race in the crit. I would have pictures to show you how fast Beth was going when she won the race, but yea, the camera thing. Well, and the fact that I was running late from work, so I really only got to see Jons race. But I'm sure it would have looked something like.... this.....only faster with more snarling and Beth yelling 'Say my name Bitch'.

Anyway, that's how I imagined it to be.

All my toys are in the shop for Labor Day. Beck, Elvira. I keep eyeballing the dog waiting for her to sneeze.

'You feeling ok kid?'

Tail wags.

Note: Dog tail not broken