The po po was at my house very early this morning. Thanks to my barometer of a hip, I was up at 3 this morning, tossing and turning, when I heard a wham wham WHAM come from downstairs. Now, in case you don't know, I live above an office downtown, so there shouldn't be any wham wham at 3 am period. I get up, grab a knife (a paring knife no less), my phone, and my camera. In retrospect, I should have grabbed a butchers knife, but I remind you that it was 3am and... I have no sense.
In my mind I was going to cut him (apparently into a nice radish rose style that I learned on Martha Stewart with my special paring knife) and then take a picture (not only of his radish cut liver, but I was positive that he would have a mullet. Trust me Amy, child mullet or not, if I get a picture of my mullet house burglar being hauled away by the cops, I automatically win the contest.) So I call 911 and ask if they will send by a cruiser to check. 20 minutes later there is a knock on the door. I confirm thru my peep hole that it is an officer and open the door. Hello Mr. Officer (wow, good looking cop, I'm wishing now I wasn't in my muppet hair holding a pairing knife.) Teva proceeds to grab a tennis ball and run out the door.
'What the hell kind of guard dog are you? Get back in here.'
With the tennis ball in her mouth she still trying to bark/talk and all you can hear is
murrr rruurrr Ruhh ruhhh Mrrrrrr as she prances back into the house.
(shakes her head in disbelief)
'You are a ferocious beast' he says to her (note to self. Stop feeding dog, needs to become a killing machine)
Officer Yummy is laughing at me.
'Everything ok then?' I ask, feeling like a crazy lady.
"Oh, yea, I checked the perimeter and everything is locked up and safe. I'm betting you just heard something fall. But call us if you hear anything else."
(he takes some general information from me, all the while I feel like an idiot calling the cops at 3. Meanwhile my dog is doing small circles in the living room still talking through the tennis ball. I look over to see where I set down the knife during questioning next to my camera and phone. Note to self: Stop eating, need to become a killing machine)
I close the door and lock it. Laugh at the dog, and think to myself, that was a wonderful experience, I should call the cops at 3 am more often.'
**Turns out that the wham wham wham was the fire extinguisher falling off the wall, hitting the counter, and then bouncing on the floor. **
7 comments:
Wonder how you are going to argue in court that your muppet haired, paring knife weilding, rose cutting savant of a sister is not insane. Or is she?????
Did the "personal information" include your phone number and whether or not you have plans tomorrow night?
At 3am I just wasn't throwing my A game.
Maybe he'll be back to do a follow-up. Make sure you've got your A-game, and your good panties, then!
You mean your SuperWoman panties?!
At least you have the good sense of turning something as ridiculous and bizarre (and embarrassing) as this into a good story!!! You are a really good writer, Amanda! I always enjoy what you write.
~Nicole
I'm with wandering girl, or at least her blog. You all ever think about the martial arts for self defense against these potential killers? That paring knife isn't really a match for that fire extinquisher. With the martial arts, you always have your hands and feet. The panties aren't quite as important. You could have dealt that fire extinquisher a crippling blow with either foot if properly trained. Saves wear and tear on the dog too.
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